I feel like everything is always so up and down. Can't at least one thing in my life be stable? I'm getting so sick and tired of being torn apart all the time. I know its my own fault because I'm always complaining about how all my relationships are effed up and then I just keep entering new ones.
After awhile it seems like no one can love me. I know what you all are thinking,"What are you talking about Joy? Everyone loves you." Yes, I get that, but do they love the real me is the question. I try to look happy because I'm starting to feel like everyone just puts up with me because they have to. Like honestly, I get tired of hearing all my own problems, how on earth would no one else get tired of it?
The one person I thought I could talk to about everything says that its bringing him down. That hurts a lot actually. A lot more then it probably should. But you know if I can't trust him to listen to me without getting pissed off, then who can I trust?
It's like I'm stuck in an eeny meeny miny mo game. Like people are just trying to choose between me and them. I get that I'm probably bringing him down, and that everything's always my fault. I want to try harder to not mess up.
I should probably just stop talking since I wouldn't want to bring whoever reads this blog down. My freaking bad. let me work on that mkay?
Whatever, I'm just so done with feeling like as soon as I fix one thing something else has to freaking get messed up. Why can't everything just be ok at the same time?
"I'm falling in love, and its falling apart. I need to find my way back to the start"
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
I wish I could have my freaking cake and eat it too....
I hate feeling like this sometimes. I hate feeling like I'm a freaking hypocrite (even though I am.) At camp I got up in front of 250 people and told them my testimony. I lied to every single one of them.
The truth is this summer I fell back into the eating disorders hardcore and when I stood up I told them all I was fine (even though I'm not.) I guess it all started with my sister's wedding although I would like to say I'm not using this as an excuse. I bought my bridesmaids dress about a year ago and then a week before the wedding I tried it on. It didn't fit, I had gained twelve pounds this summer and it didn't fit.
The week before pretty much all I ate was protein shakes and low and behold the wedding day comes and it fit. Then at campmeeting I didn't eat very much really. Finally on the last night I ate the biggest meal I had eaten all week: a hamburger and french fries.
The truth is this summer I fell back into the eating disorders hardcore and when I stood up I told them all I was fine (even though I'm not.) I guess it all started with my sister's wedding although I would like to say I'm not using this as an excuse. I bought my bridesmaids dress about a year ago and then a week before the wedding I tried it on. It didn't fit, I had gained twelve pounds this summer and it didn't fit.
The week before pretty much all I ate was protein shakes and low and behold the wedding day comes and it fit. Then at campmeeting I didn't eat very much really. Finally on the last night I ate the biggest meal I had eaten all week: a hamburger and french fries.
At late night I told everyone I was going to go buy a soda, when in reality all I did was go into the Lions Dorm bathroom and shove my finger down my throat.
I layed on the floor in the bathroom stall for I don't know how long. Finally, I figuered I had emptied my stomach of everything so I left.
Afterwards, I didn't feel good like I normally do. Honestly, I looked and felt like crap. Then I went back and acted like I was normal. I even sang some freaking worship songs. I had the nerve to pretend like everything is just awesome and that's a lie.
The biggest lie is me saying I'm fine, when in reality I'm not. I don't think I'll ever be fine.
I'll leave you with this:
"Here I starve for perfection/ Something I can't obtain. I sit and gaze upon my reflection/ I start to feel the drain."- "Perfection" The Beautiful&Rundown
The truth hurts sometimes
To those whom it may concern.
Don't you ever wish that there was a big eraser for your life? That's how I feel right about now. Its like I keep screwing up all the time and then I never learn from those mistakes. I just keep doing the same stupid thing over and over again. You think someday I might actually see the lessons to be learned. Well today might be the day I do that. I really regret what I did and I've decided its time for me to "man up" and do something about it.
One of the worst parts about all of this is I don't know where to turn for advice. I feel like even if I talk to one of my friends they're going to judge me or make me feel worse about it then I already do. Or as if I talk to someone who might actually understand they might tell everyone. The only people who I think might understand are people who have "been there, done that". The problems with those kinds of people though is everyone I know who was like that, is STILL like that, so I don't think they could help me at all.
If one of my friends reads this post I just want to put a disclaimer that while I may really want to tell you, I just don't really feel like broadcasting my issues to everyone. I know you'll understand, but this is something I kind of want to deal with on my own. There are three people I have discussed this with, and the only reason I have is because I trust them with my life, my heart, and my feelings.
I never wanted my life to feel like this. That's why now I'm taking matters out of my hands and placing them into God's, I'm trusting that he will help me to make the right decisions and to face temptations head on.
This is what I'd like to leave you with today, it comes from Song of Songs Chapter 2, Verse 7.....
"Daughters of Israel, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."
Don't you ever wish that there was a big eraser for your life? That's how I feel right about now. Its like I keep screwing up all the time and then I never learn from those mistakes. I just keep doing the same stupid thing over and over again. You think someday I might actually see the lessons to be learned. Well today might be the day I do that. I really regret what I did and I've decided its time for me to "man up" and do something about it.
One of the worst parts about all of this is I don't know where to turn for advice. I feel like even if I talk to one of my friends they're going to judge me or make me feel worse about it then I already do. Or as if I talk to someone who might actually understand they might tell everyone. The only people who I think might understand are people who have "been there, done that". The problems with those kinds of people though is everyone I know who was like that, is STILL like that, so I don't think they could help me at all.
If one of my friends reads this post I just want to put a disclaimer that while I may really want to tell you, I just don't really feel like broadcasting my issues to everyone. I know you'll understand, but this is something I kind of want to deal with on my own. There are three people I have discussed this with, and the only reason I have is because I trust them with my life, my heart, and my feelings.
I never wanted my life to feel like this. That's why now I'm taking matters out of my hands and placing them into God's, I'm trusting that he will help me to make the right decisions and to face temptations head on.
This is what I'd like to leave you with today, it comes from Song of Songs Chapter 2, Verse 7.....
"Daughters of Israel, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."
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