So in love it feels like falling.

People may think I'm crazy, but I love this boy more then anyone I have ever known or ever will know.

He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm scared my parents are going to figure out how deeply, deeply in love I am with him and take him away from me.

I don't know if I could survive that.

He makes me so happy it is unbelievable. Just his smile can send my heart racing, his whispered I love you the reason I wake up in the morning.

I know what everyone's thinking, what does she really know about love? Believe me, you don't know love until it comes right up to you and smacks you in the face, and then its completely obvious.

Don't worry, I'll tell you all about the wedding ;)

I hate,

Everything truth be told. I wake up, I look in the mirror, I hate my face. I put makeup on, I look in the mirror. I hate my face. I go to school, I get assigned too much homework, I hate school. I pretend to be interested in what people in my classes say, I hate them. I go to church, I listen, I hate the hypocrites at church. I eat dinner. I hate food. I work out. I step on the scale. I cry. I hate the scale.

When did I start hating everything? I have always hated everything. Its nothing new, just now I hate more things then I did at the beginning. You can say that I'm just depressed or "angry" or whatever other adjective my family chooses to call me.

But I'm not. I just refuse to put up with the world's bullcrap. So sue me, but why should I?
Why should I be nice and laugh at these idiots? I just don't really get the point.
Sorry.


"If I die and go to hell real soon it will apppear to me as this room"

The truth about forever.

I guess you could say the truth abut forever is that it doesn't exist. No matter how many promises people make you, they're going to end up disappointing you at some point. Even if they say they love you, and that they couldn't imagine life without you, don't believe them. Quite possibly they could replace you in five seconds whenever someone "better" comes along.

If you let people in they will try to take everything they possibly can from you and then walk away without even glancing back. That's why no matter what, after today if this "conversation" goes exactly how I think it will, I'm not letting anybody in, ever again.

My attitude towards life at the moment could be summed up like this: "Screw them before they can screw you." I don't mean this in the literal terms. I'm saying beat them to the punch, come out with a little dignity.

I know that you are going to hurt me badly today and a few days ago it probably would have been enough to kill me. (or at least make me cry.) But I've had some time to think this over and if you hurt me today I'm just going to walk away like you never even mattered. Maybe that will hurt you enough to make you realize what you've done.

I'm making it my mission to become skinnier and prettier because quite frankly, I want to knock your socks off. I know it seems childish, but I want you to come back and beg for forgivness and I want to be able to say "no" with a laugh and a head toss and then walk away.

Go ahead, sweetheart do your worst.

"And that was the day that I promised. I'd never sing of love if it does not exist." -Only Exception Paramore

Sleeping Beauty.

I remember back when the eating disorders were a big problem (well they still are, but when others still knew about them.) I remember people always talking, talking, talking to me and none of it ever, ever,ever sinking in. Always it was about the same thing "Joy, please eat." "Joy, please don't throw up your food" "Joy, please jump through a million flaming hoops and dance with a clapping seal."

I hated talking to anyone back then. I hated the looks of pity they gave my parents, because they had such a difficult child. I hated when they asked me how I was doing when they knew perfectly freaking well how I was doing. I hated when the doctors asked me questions......

"Why do you think that Joy?"

"Why do you not love your parents?" (for the record I did/do love my parent's, I just didn't love how they couldn't understand me.)

"Why, why why?"

All the time they asked me their questions. I finally got so good at knowing what they wanted to hear that it became sort of an automatic thing..... Everything I said to them was always a lie and we all knew it. But I did whatever it took to make them feel like I was getting better.

What they didn't know couldn't hurt them right? Well if that's true then its probably good that they didn't know anything, because it would have killed them.

They didn't know that every night I dreamed of what it would be like to slice open my Joy -skin bag and step out and finally fly

They didn't know that I looked in the mirror and still hated what I saw, even at 85 lbs at 5' 10".

They didn't know that I took too many pills, slept through too many classes, and was still too tired.

They didn't know anything, so nothing could hurt them.

The girls at my school claimed to hate me because I was fat, but even when I was a tiny, breakable doll it seemed to make them hate me more.

I remember all their words, like spitfire, being hurled at me. I didn't know what I could have possibly done to make them hate me this much. Maybe it was because I was different? Maybe it was because I was new? Maybe it was what everyone else told me and they hated me because I was prettier then them?

Whatever it was, all I knew is that it made me want to die. Whoever made up that saying "sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me" well they were wrong. Words could hurt me, words could hurt me more then anything. Words could cut deeply when they wanted to. Words could dig their barbs deep into your skin and stab straight into your soul.

Anyways, after all the counseling and the magic pills and the wonderful, wonderful magical incantations, I was finally deemed healthy and sane enough to go out into the world and lead a normal life.
BIG mistake. As soon as I got out, I went straight back to my old ways. And sure, I kept up the facade telling my parents I wasn't hungry or that my stomach hurt or that I caught a flu bug, that's why I had thrown up.
It was all a lie though. I hated doing this to them, I hated making them cry or making them worry, but at the same time, I loved it. I loved the fear behind their eyes, I loved the whispering to the doctors. The sound of "Are you sure? Are you sure she's ok?"

I hated myself though, I wanted to lock myself in a glassbox, like Sleeping Beauty and sleep for a thousand years until all the people who knew were the key was hidden would be dead and I would finally be able to get some sleep.

"Sticks and stones could break her bones, but words could make her starve herself to death"

Love the way you lie

I hated all the lies so why do I still miss this so much? It was two weeks, could it really have changed me that much?

The answer here would be yes, it really could have changed me that much. I was treated so much better with him then anyone I have ever been with, and thats probably why I fell so hard and so fast. Being with him was like everything I've ever wanted coming true. It's like someone gave me the only present I've been waiting for my entire life and waited for me to open it and get all excited and then took it away saying "Sorry, just kidding that was meant for someone else."

Talk about pulling the rug out from under my feet. Its just ridiculous, I can't I even stand looking at him, but here I am missing him so much it physically hurts me. Shouldn't I just be able to move on? Why do I have to care so much? Why do I have to feel like crying everytime I see an update from him on Facebook?

I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of being kept awake at night wondering what went wrong. I don't want to forgive him. I don't think I can forgive him.

"Just going to stand there and watch me burn, that's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just going to stand there and hear me cry, that's alright because I love the way you lie, love the way you lie"
-"Love the way you lie" Eminem ft Rihana

Eeeny meeny miny mo

I feel like everything is always so up and down. Can't at least one thing in my life be stable? I'm getting so sick and tired of being torn apart all the time. I know its my own fault because I'm always complaining about how all my relationships are effed up and then I just keep entering new ones.

After awhile it seems like no one can love me. I know what you all are thinking,"What are you talking about Joy? Everyone loves you." Yes, I get that, but do they love the real me is the question. I try to look happy because I'm starting to feel like everyone just puts up with me because they have to. Like honestly, I get tired of hearing all my own problems, how on earth would no one else get tired of it?

The one person I thought I could talk to about everything says that its bringing him down. That hurts a lot actually. A lot more then it probably should. But you know if I can't trust him to listen to me without getting pissed off, then who can I trust?

It's like I'm stuck in an eeny meeny miny mo game. Like people are just trying to choose between me and them. I get that I'm probably bringing him down, and that everything's always my fault. I want to try harder to not mess up.

I should probably just stop talking since I wouldn't want to bring whoever reads this blog down. My freaking bad. let me work on that mkay?
Whatever, I'm just so done with feeling like as soon as I fix one thing something else has to freaking get messed up. Why can't everything just be ok at the same time?

"I'm falling in love, and its falling apart. I need to find my way back to the start"

I wish I could have my freaking cake and eat it too....

I hate feeling like this sometimes. I hate feeling like I'm a freaking hypocrite (even though I am.) At camp I got up in front of 250 people and told them my testimony. I lied to every single one of them.

The truth is this summer I fell back into the eating disorders hardcore and when I stood up I told them all I was fine (even though I'm not.) I guess it all started with my sister's wedding although I would like to say I'm not using this as an excuse. I bought my bridesmaids dress about a year ago and then a week before the wedding I tried it on. It didn't fit, I had gained twelve pounds this summer and it didn't fit.

The week before pretty much all I ate was protein shakes and low and behold the wedding day comes and it fit. Then at campmeeting I didn't eat very much really. Finally on the last night I ate the biggest meal I had eaten all week: a hamburger and french fries.

At late night I told everyone I was going to go buy a soda, when in reality all I did was go into the Lions Dorm bathroom and shove my finger down my throat.

I layed on the floor in the bathroom stall for I don't know how long. Finally, I figuered I had emptied my stomach of everything so I left.

Afterwards, I didn't feel good like I normally do. Honestly, I looked and felt like crap. Then I went back and acted like I was normal. I even sang some freaking worship songs. I had the nerve to pretend like everything is just awesome and that's a lie.

The biggest lie is me saying I'm fine, when in reality I'm not. I don't think I'll ever be fine.

I'll leave you with this:

"Here I starve for perfection/ Something I can't obtain. I sit and gaze upon my reflection/ I start to feel the drain."- "Perfection" The Beautiful&Rundown